Thursday, August 26, 2010

Arizona Is Trying to Kill Me: Part 5

Which is why it is a darn good thing we are moving. Tomorrow. HOORAY! But, I digress. In the past 2 years I have nearly died more times than I can count. I record the most harrowing experiences here, but trust me: there have been many, many more. And, I think AZ knows I am escaping soon because today this place tried  to off me YET AGAIN. I'm lucky to be alive. Truly.

I was driving down the freeway, on my way to my last appointment with my AZ midwife, and nearly became the innards of a red-car sandwich. I was driving along in the middle lane, when a red Focus on my left and a red Toyota on my right both decided that they absolutely, positively, needed to get over right that second into the middle lane. Why? I do not know. Bigger problem: I WAS ALREADY IN THE MIDDLE LANE and BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM. I yelled, I honked and hit the brakes. This put me (mostly) out of their path, but then they nearly collided with each other as they each continued to merge. Did they think I was honking for FUN? Perhaps they thought it was it just a friendly "Good Morning" honk?  Luckily, the driver of the red Toyota sped up and narrowly missed clipping the red Focus and we were all spared a 3 car pile up in the middle of the freeway but OH MY GOODNESS.  My blood pressure was sky high when I got to the office...good thing I had to wait a while before my appointment so it could come down before my midwife saw how high it was and had a heart attack of her own.

SEE?! AZ is trying to kill me! Only about 36 hours left and then I'm safely out of this death trap...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dear Easy-Off Oven Cleaner-

I think you and I need to discuss the generally accepted definitions of the terms "Easy" and "Off". It would seem that you, dear Oven Cleaner, did not get the message that "easy" is generally used to mean "without significant effort" and "off" means, well, OFF. Combining these terms in the context of oven cleaning (which you purport to do) means that I will be able to get oven grime off the oven without significant effort. In this light, you, Easy-Off Oven Cleaner, are a complete failure. Perhaps a more accurate name for you would be "Plan on At Least an Hour of Concerted Scrubbing to Effectively Get ANYTHING-OFF Oven Cleaner". You have only ONE job. ONE. And you fail at it utterly and completely.

I hate you. Almost as much as I hate cleaning the oven and the Braxton-Hicks contractions that cleaning the oven caused. I'm going to lie down now.

You stink. Literally. (Notice I did not mention the issues I have with your advertising yourself as "fume free" and lemon-fresh". That's a topic for another day.)

With loathing (and pruny hands and a contracting tummy),