In Which Erin Provides Job-Hunting Advice

At my place of employment, we have recently begun a rather extensive hiring push. As part of this new expansion, I have had to review a ba-zillion (and yes, that is a technical term) resumes. In reviewing these resumes I have found that many, no most, people do not have a clue about how to appropriately present themselves to a potential employer. Not. a. clue. Therefore,as a public service, I shall now offer my (unsolicited) advice on job hunting. And, before you question my qualifications, let me tell you: I have applied for bazillion jobs. I have screened a bazillion job applications. Ergo: qualified to offer advice. Moving on.

The Resume:
1. Do not, unless you are applying for a position as a model or actor, put a picture on your resume. If you put a picture on your resume, the hiring authority (me) will laugh at you. Then, when the rest of the people reviewing candidates look at your resume, they will also laugh at you. You probably don't want the people responsible for hiring you to laugh at you. Just a thought.

2. Do not include, as part of your "objective", statements like "Seeking a stress free and fun workplace" or "Looking for a laid back atmosphere without a lot of stress". Once again, everyone will laugh at you. You are not applying for a fraternity. This is a job. And, since the job we are looking to fill will most certainly not fit either of those criteria, we will not invite you for an interview. We wouldn't want to disappoint you and all.

3. Cute fonts belong in greeting cards. I do not care that your work history goes back to 1972; typing your resume in a font that looks like it was printed off a dot-matrix printer 30 years ago is not cute. Any font even remotely resembling handwriting is not cute. It is irritating. Your resume will be laughed at. Are you sensing a trend here?

4. Do not attempt to "fool" the hiring authority. I (and any other thinking person) know that you did not "Teach customers the location of desired products". We are not stupid. Just because you can use the word "teach" does not make you qualified to do so. I do have to acknowledge the effort and creativity. I do not have to interview you.

The Interview

1. When you recieve a phone call from a business to which you have submitted an application, and therefore have at least a marginal interest in working for, do not say, "I am on the other line with a friend. Can you call back in about an hour?" Trust me, no one is going to call you back.

2. When you are applying for a job, do not have songs such as "My Lumps" or anything from High School Musical (all of them) as your ring-back tone. When someone calls to schedule an interview, you will make it impossible for that person to take you seriously. That person will tell everyone in the office about your ringback tone. Then, people will laugh at you. A lot. You are (presumably)not a teenage girl and ought to act like it. Now might be a good time to re-think that whole "ring-back" tone situation altogether.

3. When the company you have applied to calls and says "Hello this is ____________ from __________ calling about your application. Would you have a few moments for a screening interview?" Do not say "Um...which job was this for again and how much does the job pay? I'm not sure I want it yet..." It's entirely possible that you will be hung up on. Just say'n.

4. While participating in an interview do not say things like "Well, I really wanted ___________ job, but that didn't work out so, here I am!" or "Wow. This job sounds really hard! You guys must really hate it!". Enough. Said.

So, there you have it. Job hunting tips from an "expert", gleaned from weeks and weeks of experience. You are welcome.