Epic Fail

When we left Utah to come to the great state of Alabama, we left behind a great many people. One such person was Bailee the Wonder Colorist (sidenote: there are a lot of people named Bailee in Utah. A lot. And they all spell their names differently. Once, I had a student who spelled her name BayLeah. The first time I read her name I thought it said "BayLeaf" and I almost asked, outloud, why her parents named her after an herb. Luckily, I caught myself, but everytime I talked to her after that I had to consiously remind myself that her name was BayLeah not "BayLeaf". True story.) and, having now gone approximately an eternity without coloring my hair and, having been told by no less than EVERY member of my immediate family that when I do not color my hair I look like a 50 year old grandmother (apparently this was all said "out of love". Whatever.) and, having been repeatedly assured by my myriad and sundry sisters who also look like 50 year old grandmothers if they don't color their hair that coloring ones hair by ones self is "So easy!" and, because I have not yet had a chance to find a replacement for Bailee the Wonder Colorist, I decided to take the plunge and attempt to color my hair my very ownself. "12 year olds at slumber parties do this all the time!" I thought. "What could go wrong with a product that goes so far as to proclaim itself "Nice" and "Easy"?", I thought. "If your mother and sisters can do this, so can you!" I thought. "You have a master's degree! How hard can this be?!" I thought.  I should have ignored all those thoughts and listened to the very quiet, nagging voice in the back of my mind which said "There is a reason you are not a cosmotologist YOU IDIOT!"

You see, I managed to dye a great many things; the bathroom counter, 2 towels, the toilet seat, one of our bath mats, my left arm, both ears, the back of my neck, the bottom of my right foot, every single one of my fingernails, my hairbrush, my shampoo bottle, the shower curtain, 2 barretts and the door to the bathroom but did not,as luck would have it, successfully manage to dye the one thing I was actually interested in turning a "dark auburn": my gray hair.  I followed the directions exactly. I even timed the shaking of the bottle because the little instruction sheet said "shake for at least 20 seconds." So, I timed myself shaking for 30 seconds. Which is, as anyone knows, at least 20 seconds. I set a little kitchen timer for 10 minutes  I "started at the roots" and saturated my hair "all the way to the ends". I rinsed until the water ran clear. I conditioned with the little tube of conditioner. I now have brown hair with, in addition to the grey streaks, orangish brown streaks. It is not an improvement. Not to mention the fact that the roots of my hair are at least 2 shades different than the rest of my hair. EPIC FAIL.
Clearly, hair coloring needs to join espionage and brain surgery on my list of tasks best left to the professionals. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go make an appointment to have someone much more talented than I fix my hair.