Dear JoAnne Fabric and Crafts:

****Disclaimer: The following memo may be 1)completely boring and 2)completely incomprehensible to anyone who doesn't sew regularly. I apologize in advance. Feel free to return to your regularly scheduled activities.****

I am so over you. Seriously. I have often questioned the legitimacy of your "sales" and the quality of your products, but this was the last straw. I would like to know how it is possible that, out of 30 (yes, 30)quarter flats purchased from your store, exactly 10 are use-able? Really, I'd like to hear an explanation, because this is ridiculous. I would think that a store that purports to be a "fabric" retailer would understand that it should not use permanent adhesive to hold said quarter flats together. And yet, I just spent an inordinate amount of time trying to peel, scrape, rub and wash the adhesive off the fabric. While doing so, I discovered that the fabric itself was of such low quality that even the gentlest rubbing and washing left holes. Really? I mean, I didn't expect the highest quality fabric to begin with, but this is beyond absurd.
I recently resolved to frequent my LQS and knitting boutique more regularly because, even though their prices are slightly more expensive, I want to support local businesses. This incident only furthers my resolve. Now, I am also confident that the quality of the products far exceeds yours and that I will actually be able to use the items I purchased.
In short, I cannot imagine a reason for me to return to your store. Goodbye forever.
With extreme annoyance,
Erin

Dear Student,

Since you are clearly not very bright, allow me to offer some advice:
When you purchase a paper off the internet and turn it in as if you wrote it yourself, do not attempt to make it look like you wrote the paper by including a "reference page". I will check the reference(s) you list. When I discover that the reference listed therein is, in actuality, the site from which you purchased the paper, I will think you are the stupidest person on earth. And then, I will laugh at you. And show my husband what you did. And he will laugh at you. Then, I will blog about you and everyone I have ever known will laugh at you. Because that's the kind of teacher I am.

Sincerely,
Erin

Arizona is Trying to Kill Me: Part 3

Today, as I was driving home from the grocery store I saw two very large black birds sitting atop the power poles that line our apartment complex parking lot. I didn't think too much of this at first because there are quite a few large water birds that perch up there from time to time (taking a break from the pond below, I always assume) but as I looked more closely I realized these birds were not, in fact, large cranes. They were VULTURES. Giant, bald, red-headed vultures. Just sitting up there. Looking at me while I unloaded my groceries.

Not only is Arizona trying to kill me, but the vultures are already lying (well, sitting) in wait, ready to pounce...it's more than a little disturbing.

Dear Hanna Rosin,

Today, I was clicking through a variety of articles and came across your "discussion" of the HBO television show "Big Love" on the XX Factor blog. Having never seen the show, I was interested to read an explanation of what, exactly, some people find so appealing about it. Unfortunately, I did not get very far into your piece before I was so monumentally annoyed that I couldn't continue reading. Since I couldn't find a way to contact you directly, I thought I'd share my complaint with you in this forum.

It seems you are treating Big Love as a documentary. Watching Big Love in an attempt to understand the FDLS culture or, worse, Latter-day Saint (Mormon) culture is just absurd. The television program is FICTIONAL. The characters and story lines of this show reflect the imaginations of the writing team and nothing more.

You repeatedly refer to members of the FLDS sect and the characters on "Big Love" as "Mormons." You even state that Warren Jeffs is a "Mormon prophet." You repeatedly compare the experiences of the characters on the show to what you perceive to be the experiences of actual Mormons. Apparently, you must not know many, or any, actual Mormons because you even went so far as to compare the male lead of the program to Mitt Romney. While I understand you are writing a blog and not a "serious" news article, it would seem to me that you would want to ensure your facts are accurate before posting to a forum that hundreds, even thousands, of people read. Since you didn't validate your information before publishing your article, allow me to offer several corrections that you may consider publishing now:

1.Members of the FLDS faith are not Mormons.
2. Warren Jeffs is not a Mormon prophet. Nor has he ever been. Nor will he ever be. Thomas S. Monson is the prophet and leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
2.Mormons do not practice polygamy.
3.Mormons have not practiced polygamy for over 100 years. In fact, any member of the LDS Church (Mormon) who is found to be practicing polygamy is excommunicated.

If you would like to know more about what Latter-day Saints (Mormons) actually believe I invite you to visit mormon.org. If you would like to learn more about the lives of actual Latter-day Saint women, rather than assuming the fictitious lives of the characters on Big Love represent anything even approaching reality, I invite you to visit Mormon Mommy Blogs. There, you will find hundreds of blogs written by actual Mormon women that describe and discuss the reality of Latter-day Saint living and culture. I promise, you won't find a single polygamist in the bunch.

Thanks so much,
Erin

New Year, New You. Part Two

A resolution is not a resolution without accountability and apparently people really like being accountable to nameless, faceless people on the internet. I say this because everyone and their grandmother is posting "Look at how well I did following my 600 resolutions". This is apparently how resolutions are done in the 21st century. Because I am a 21st century girl,I give you:

"How Erin Did Following Her New Year in A Week Resolutions"

1. Organize the apartment
I did quite well, thankyouverymuch. Closets, cabinets, under the bed, behind the couch, behind the dryer (Well, hello socks! I haven't seen you in months!) etc..etc..have now been purged, cleaned and organized. I should really be a professional organizer. It's a gift.

2. Do something about my hair which is out of control.
Done. Hair is short, no longer greying and no longer out of control. I also cannot eat for about 2 weeks because apparently having one's hair done now requires a small fortune and/or the promise of your first born to the cosmotology industry. As I am without a first born, I had to cough up the small fortune.

3. Read more.
I keep seeing lists of books people have read in the past year and lists of books people plan to read in the new year. I will spare you. But, since I was all motivated and stuff for a week, I read 7 books. And yes, that means I read a book a day. Feel free to be impressed.

4. Exercise regularly.
Done. I exercised 4 times this week. It's a miracle! And, since I have only resolutions that can be accomplished in a week, I am DONE. Whew. Hard work, that working out. Good thing I have 51 weeks to recover before I have to do it again.

5. Cook more meals at home.
Epic. Fail. Isaac and I just like to eat out. It's a curse. But, we gave it a shot and I'm sure we'll try again for the first week of 2011. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again and all that jazz...

So, there you have it! 2010 resolutions were, on the whole, a spectacular success. I can't wait for next year to try it all again!

New Year, New You.

So. My lovely sister wrote a pretty fantastic post about setting and keeping all those pesky resolutions. It's great advice. I will completely ignore it, but it really is great advice.
Instead, I will be following my very own plan for actually accomplishing all sorts of things this New Year and trust me, it is an awesome plan.


You know how you start the new year full of energy and enthusiasm? This year, you are really going to do all those fantastic things you have always talked about. This year, you are going to be better. And then, if you are like me, by about January 7th you've not only completely given up, but you've actually forgotten why you wanted to make any changes in the first place? Well. This plan is perfect if you are anything at all like moi. I call it:

Erin's Fabulous New Year In a Week Resolution Plan.

Since you're all motivated for about a week, why on earth would you set resolutions that take months to accomplish? That's setting yourself up for failure people and here at Two Montagues, we are all about success. So. This year, I have set only resolutions I can accomplish in 7 days or less and let me tell you, it. is. AWESOME. The sense of accomplishment is amazing. Clean out closets? Check (it took an hour, well within the 7 day rule). Organize storage room? Check! Purge and reorganize our books and bookselves? Check. Take an enormous pile of crap to Goodwill? Check! Do something about my hair which is beyond out of control? Appointment is on Tuesday at 10.
SEE?! By the 7th, I'll have accomplished so much, I'll be set for the rest of the year.
Awesome, I tell you. Awesome.